Relational Confusion

I feel so foolish....so naive and blind.. Am I really that stupid for believing and having some hope and faith,,,? Instead it leads me to more of a broken-heart... Just when I think and see that something is better and different I'm proven wrong...in so many ways... It's me that's the fool to stay and hope...I'm the dumb one for opening up at all. I'm afraid if I shut out completely they'll never be able to get back in my heart... I'll be cool... aloof .... distant and seeming un-interested... It could be a turn off because somehow that shows the dark side of the real me... My true realness is in it...I show all my colors... Jealousy,envy,hate,anger,frustration, I cuss more and am more of a man than a woman in my demeanor. I'm also in a way...happier. I choose to not let anyone in enough to hurt me with what they think of me,...so I do and say and act all the ways I want. Egnamic, charismatic, charming, sweet, sexy, daring, aggressive,ambitious, focused.. That is what I become when I have chosen to shut someone off...esp in a romantic relationship... I fuel all that hurt and anger into selfishness to pursue the ME (goals,dreams,passions, writing,creativity etc). I shift my mind to singular thought when I listen and use that as a focus to get through the pain as I hear what's being said. I believe if I was to do this Id actually succeed in other important areas in my life such as...writing. Getting back into my creative writing. I've not shut him out completely...so my mind stops before I can continue...I don't know why. I feel a sudden sense of melancholy dreariness I just....don't feel like following through with it... I'm afraid to shut him out...what if I did and he really still did love me? That I lost him completely because I know this side of me will push him away. Because I'm hurt and angry inside I'll be so distant and aloof and seeming fake ...when really I've distanced myself from him so far that he's at square one we just met. My hearts trust gone...I won't let him in unless he changes his tone with me. But he'll realllly have to work...hardcore romance,sensual, affectionate, full attention, engaging in me and who I am...he'll have to reach through getting to know this real me to pull that out again. It doesn't make sense that I push him away...bc my anger underneath does. My attitude is the big sign of u done fucked up and lost me for good and now it'll take you really loving me and wanting me to get me back. But I am weak to this...I see them being pushed away and I don't want them to...I want them to FIGHT for me... It's all silly really....i can't control situations through my actions and hope all these things. That's why I don't shut off the valve is because I know once I have there's no going back...that either he will be gone...or he will stay... I've done this too many times....I see that now as I'm writing this. I really can't let go... But I'm hurt and getting tired of him...getting tired of the game of the unknown, uncommunicative , distant ,aloof and so obviously uninterested world he lives on when he's with me... I dunno what to do...I don't know how to express myself to him so he'd see...and I don't understand him enough to hear what he's trying to say...